If I'd known

Who I'd become because of my headaches, the loss of my sister and other events in my childhood I would have never asked to be alive. I would have tried harder to end things when I had the chance. I know that's selfish. But I am so lonely, I sit in my room for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I cannot live with texting and calling my friends without a response daily. It hurts. I am stronger than this. I can't change my past actions with my friends, but I am trying so damned hard to change the future. I don't even have stability at this point to see what can be since I feel better headache wise. I used to do things daily with my friends, now it's a gift from God that one even says a simple "hello."

I believe...

I will always be the nerdy kid who will always drop my books in a hallway. Like I did today in the library when there was a line...twice. Or in school too many times than I can count. I will always be the person who is going to be picked on for being too sensitive, or for standing up for not engaging in illegal activities (like smoking pot or taking shrooms ). For this, I get picked on and I get to spend less time with those so-called friends. I could care less that they smoke pot or take shrooms it's the fact that they look down on me and they peer pressure me and honestly laugh at me for not doing them and not agreeing with the fact that they are driving with pot in the car when either I'm driving or they are high and driving. Or they drive while tripping.
What are your thoughts, would you keep these friends? Would you give into the pressure?

Retail "therapy"?

Usually I love to shop, afterall, coming home with a cute new outfit will boost confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Walking into the store today, I was excited to find a new outfit for the summer. Then I noticed that every single person in the store was skinnier than myself. Everyone was prettier. This made the items I'd typically want to buy or wear so ugly. I was with my mamabear and that didn't help me feeling self-conscience at all. A couple of weeks ago, I would not have cared. In fact, I would have probably had less options because of sizes being too big. A couple of weeks ago I had lost weight. Now, I can tell you I've gained 8 pounds. I know that seems like no big deal. But for me, it goes straight to the back of my hips and makes me look pregnant. The places that make shirts and pants look like shit and not fit. So now I want to lose pounds to change that and look the way I'm supposed to and what I am used to seeing and what is my normal weight. I want to do this because one of my biggest fears is being overweight and at the store, having to get jeans that were 2 sizes too big, and in my eyes that is leaning towards being overweight. Now I am so anxious and I feel so self conscious and disgusting. And when my mom kept telling me "no you haven't gained weight," "you look fine," "if you don't get that I will be so mad" it made me feel so much worse about myself. I know I'm just being a stupid girl about this, but it's my fear.

Thanks, "Daddy..."

I guess yesterday was Father's day, and well, it SUCKED.
1. I woke up really early, planning on making him his favorite breakfast. His response- "I don't care." Meaning I was a worthless cook, he didn't want me to 'spoil him ( breakfast in bed- who'd ever turn that down. Seriously!!!?
2. I bought him a card and, a book I know he would love. His actions towards the book ( avid reader on board, btw), almost a fire due to ciggarettes and sleeping constantlyyyy, all throughout the day.
3. He asked my mamabear (WTF?!?!?!!) to read the damn card I had given to him...apparently I'm not worthy of this honor?!!?
4. He made smart-assed remarks to me all day long. Without fail. I.E you're too smart to be in a nightschool for highschoolers?,How are your scars? Oh... They haven't faded worth a god damned shit!, You'll never make it into the army, worhless Piece of Shit!, Why did you apply (p.s. I got ACCEPTED!!! :] ) to the firecamp- you'll never meet the expectations!!, I don't want to hangout with you nor your mother, you two take too long., he didn't want to spend time with me at ALL today, eventhough I have tried to build some relationship with him and I am his only daughter that is alive.

If he doesn't need me or my support, fine. After Saturday and Sunday I honestly do not care. One ioda.

This weekend will be uncomfortable...

It is Father's day and all my life I've felt like he has regretted August 16 and the 9 months before. He verbally abuses me and has never shown me discipline, or what I feel like was a true father daughter relationship after 1995 when a major event had happened in my life (I didn't realize at the time, but the years of 1995-1997 would be the one of the most life changing traumatic experience I would ever deal with). When we moved from Virginia to Colorado, something had changed in him and I would be his least favorite, the one who would be the object of his hurtful words and sometimes he would spank me for minor things like being scared because of thunderstorms. When we went through family counseling in 2005, I had told my family about the trauma...I was sexually abused and raped repeatedly by two twins who were our neighbors and when I needed my dad to be my protector and teacher of what to look for as far as what is okay and acceptable and what isn't, when I started to date, he wasn't there. When I wanted him to watch my championship soccer game, he would yell at me for asking and call me a fucking moron that I should know he doesn't care.

But now, he is trying to be a little part of my life. And I don't want him to be a damn part of it. If I get married, he won't walk me down the isle. I still have respect for him, and love for him but I dislike him with such a passion. So I'm not going to be a mean daughter and I got him a card and a book. The irony about the card is it says, "Dad, I can't remember a time WHEN I DIDN'T NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE A TIME WHEN I WON'T..."

I think I needed his love and support when I was a child and a young teen, and I won't need his support anymore. But I still hold out hope that he will actually teach me something that will be helpful and viable.

Being isolated makes you think

My last post is an example of control, and a need for success. And, well when you don't have friends (I really have none...) wanting control and success is the only thing I have a vision, if you will, for reaching. But, the lack of support outside of my family, it doesn't allow you to have self-confidence.
That's why I stated, "I want to disappear." another reason I'd say is to create friends, eventhough I'm an introvert. I will always be analyzing myself to try to not create the same situation but the same outcome is repetative. Maybe it is people being judemental? Or people critizing my past, family included?but they are NOT WORTH IT!! In relation, I would NEVER!!!!, disappear. Promise.

I had thought about an ex-boyfriend, and had realized that since I still think of him constantly I probably will never get over of him. I know why, too... It is due to his respect of me-and the way he looked at me I knew it had meant more than a "summer-fling"- Things like jobs and distance, and him being my first relationship that I really truly cared about made me hurt. But, I've never been in a legitamate relationship.
I want him to think about me like I do him.

Who am I?

Well obviously, I'm Christine, but I feel as if I have lost myself. I used to have a strong sense of self, a good identity, but now that everything I've worked towards, everything I've ever dreamed of becomming is so far out of my grasp and it was what defined me. It made me who I was and now after reading more into it and seeing the qualifications and the dequalifications, although I had a small idea I wouldn't be accepted, I just want to disappear. I want to take a carton of ciggarettes, a dress suit and write a check out to myself and start out anew somewhere. Somewhere where I won't have to worry about my headaches holding me back from everything I've ever known, ever respected, ever looked up to, ever honored, ever truley wanted for my self and for my country. From holding me back from the only thing that has defined the basis of my moral compass. Everyone will tell me, try a different carreer, go to college first, you don't want to go to war, etc. But they don't know what I want for myself. I need to be with my brothers and sisters in arms, fighting for what I believe in. It's not a want. As far back as I can remember I have wanted to join the United States Army. And now, as usual, I've been shot far down from achieving my goals and this time it's out of my control. This time, I don't have the energy, or the desire to bounce back and say it'll be okay. Because no, it won't be okay. I've been waiting since age 4 to go in, decided after graduation I'd enlist but a) the headaches are on the nonadmissable to entry of the army medical standards and b) my neurologist repeatedly said he wouldn't write a waiver. I just want to disappear and never come back; there's nothing really left unless there is a cure, a miracle, or I lie which is against everything I stand for and they would find out.

Just let me disappear. Please.

It's the small things.

I finally feel "normal" in a sense. My head isn't hurting as bad, although the frequency is still the same. I could not be more pleased with these results. Eight weeks of going in every Thursday to get an injection of lidocaine and sometimes water-soluable steroids then going across the hall in a paper gown, feeling naked with other patients and me being the most modest girl ever, to have rough muscle reform and scar tissue break up makes it all worth it. Even though I do miss the hot chiropractor that got rid of the scar tissue and saw my bare back...
What makes it even more worth it is being able to have a social life and my brother and I are starting to have a relationship. It is a slow process because he talks to his stupid ex girlfriend and doesn't take my advice, and treats my mamabear like utter shit, but we have had major major problems since my sister passed away.

As well as a social life, I will have a working life. Unfortunately the Batista position didn't work out, but on Monday I will find out if I got a job at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I will be able to work on interior decorating, something I have always enjoyed but, the medical field is more for me although I will always love interior design.

I am so hopeful for the future for the first time in 2.9 years. Thank the Lord.
Good riddance!

It is final. It just hit me. *edit*

My sister is really never coming back. All I have is photos, and I need to share. I have to see what happened that day when we laid her to rest; I do not remember a single thing of the memorial. (We buried her 3 days after the funeral service). Drugs do kill, and when I gave the detectives who invesigated her death,since she was found in a suspicious location, the numbers of her dealers their names they didn't care. The narcotics unit didn't care. I called for months. I think dealing drugs is a form of involuntary manslaughter.
Below are photos of the burial, my family, the last living photos, the pastor, the headstone and the casket is locked at this point.




















































































*****THESE ARE THE LASt PICTURES, plus Laura is a hot babee*****

Looking forward, yet stuck at 11...?

Okay...Well maybe not eleven. But I'd HOPE my 1.5 readers [ ;) ] are mature and understand sarcasam by now and have read my sarcasam related, yet horrible written blog.
But this evening I applied to be a Batista at my hopeful IV coffee shop. Just make sure it's a triple Venti NO whip Cinnomen-oh, failed all the rediculous spelling bees, fyi :) - Dolce Latte, only from Starbucks. Yeah, applied at Starbucks. Mmmmmmmm. I'm frugal though, but I have learned my budgets! And!!! Anddd, I have a block in my brain on Thursday then I'm done. Bitter-no more mixed signals from the smart and funny and cuteish in a one day yes, other day get outta herrera!! SWEET!!!- no more needles popping scar tissue and walking around in the "outfit." and being bare-back, with aforementioned, but I'm over dr.ovaltine haha. also, no more god forsaken bedadine, with ultrasound gel to break up scar tissues and the "dog scratcher/ oldetyme murrda weapon." bahahahaha.
Then, once I came home, I talked to my really amazinggg friends who are out of state and they'll be back within weeks of eachother. Mmm party with some wine, sex and the city, a job and my 1.75th time (( yeah I'm Christine and get so bored with monotone instructers... :¥ ))

I WILL BE GETTING MY EMT-PARAMEDIC TO JOIN THE U.S ARMY!!!

- Posted using Excitement!!!
mcchristinerazy?

The nerdy one

That's how I have always been portrayed, "the nerdy kid." I am always at least 10 minutes early to any engagement. I over analyze every situation. I think 10 steps ahead. I always think of what could happen. I know random factoids. I'm the quiet, won't approach you except once in a blue moon and when I do, I get shot down. Because i'm shy, always wanting to get to the point, never wanting to get off focus people have always thought of me as a nerdy bitch. I guess in some cases you can consider me a nerd in that I love to learn. Gaining information without interruption is very important. But when I get called a bitch because I am shy is people's normal reaction but it is very hurtful. It's especially hurtful becuase people talk. And when they talk, word gets around that I'm apparently a bitch which in turn leaves me with close to no friends and no opportunity to make any becuase they don't want to give me the time of day. I haven't even been out with a boy in almost two years. It would be nice to be like those people who have someone wanting to hang out without me feeling like I'm being a burden all the time. I've failed at being a normal teenager.

To reconcile

This week I reconciled with my best friend since second grade. We had a major falling out due to mistreatment on her part and on my part that started in eighth grade. I had made the choice to go to a different school than our home school for educational, personal and bullying reasons. When I told her this, she started to treat me bad and I treated her bad and our friendship fell and I broke apart the next school year and the cycle kept growing. Then december '09 came and I'd reached my last straw and told her to get out of my life. Then we reconciled in January. Then she mis-interpreted something I said and it was apparent that neither her nor I was ready to have our friendship back quiet yet. I found out my brother had been talking to her which I resent to this day because I am an adult & was going to reach out when I was ready, but I took the plunge and hung out with her. There's still the black elephant there. No it's not white because white elephants are beautiful and to me represent something that is good to be there, black ones are the topics and feelings you both know still hurt down to the last pinky toe's nail. I doubt we will ever be truly the same as we were before eighth grade. Before our friendship changed drastically. And tonight, that's what's killing me.
How do you reconcile differences?
How do you approach difficult situations?

Thunder

I went everywhere and nowhere today. I got needles in my back and neck in 10 places then a chriopractor broke up scar tissue. At this point, with the amazingly handsome doctor, I look forward to these injections. ;). Next more medical shit. Blood. With the phlebotomist NOT WEARING GLOVES until I yelled "what are you doing, I don't want a disease!" I always worry about people not catching my sarcasm, especially because I sound and look so serious when I am performing sarcastically. It doesn't matter because I will be polite no matter what. Except when idiots crash into a backyard on a straight-away, with no intersections, and a median. Like what happened today on my trip from somewhere to everywhere which eventually took me nowhere that landed me here, typing aimlessly because I'm terribly afraid of thunderstorms and it's storming at 1:45 am. For the second time today.
I want a mini-horse.

Goodnight.


-- Post From My iPhone

Somedays

I still don't know 100 percent what I want as a carreer. I bounce back and forth between a psychiatrist specializing in drug addiction. Or a pediatric oncologist. Then I see juistice not being done correctly and want to go into law inforcement, specifically the FBI's BAU. But I know for sure I want to be in the military. Then reality smacks me in the head, literally. I've been in the recruting office and I applied for an Army ROTC, Navy ROTC and Air Force ROTC scholarship and went through DoDMERB. They denied me because of my head, both the recruter and the medical evaluation board.
So, basically that dream is shot down.
Just.Like.Everything.I.Try.So.Hard.For.I.Never.Grasp.

The high school story.

I once was an A student, an officer in AFJROTC, and a mentor for freshman students as well as sophomores and juniors. Then November of 2008 came, and my life had turned into a drastic, inconceviable nightmare-slowly but surely.
It all came upon me slow. The migraines were every week, or every two weeks. Nothing excederine couldn't handle, maybe taking a mild barbituate if I couldn't take the pain. Then November turned to December. The migraines were coming on more frequent, about 3/week. I focused on JROTC, LinkCrew, and raising my gpa... The
Reason? My freshman year's first semester my mom developed Adult Respritory Distress Syndrom after a ruptured ulcer,the day I was due in court for a stupid mistake of underaged drinking, which left me distraught of my mom being so close to death, and I ended up with a .2 gpa. Through this ordeal, my sister was suffering with a disease herself, addiction to alcohol, cocain and heroin. My father, who was sober from alcohol himself for about 5.5 years started to drink because he knew of the mortality rate (10% typically survive,) and I didn't know what to do but give up. When my mother was out of the ICU, and home, my dad stopped drinking and it was a new semester, a fresh start. Plus I knew I couldn't play soccer unless I had the grades. I ended up getting all A's, playing soccer and building a relationship like I've never had with my sister or brother. We were the best of friends, especially Laura.
I remember the day. It was a day where I had reconciled conflicts, got good test grades and I was learning of how airplanes fly in JROTC. Then the secretary, principal and cop pulled me out, asked me to bring my things, and go to the office. My sister was due in court for a suspended liscence charge and jail time was iminent. The night before, I told her everything was going to be okay and I loved her so much. The team pulled me into the principals office. Every office member was in that room, the size of a jail cell. I saw my brother before I walked in, and then I saw my dad crying. He looks up and says, "Laura's gone they found her dead." I died that day, too. April 17, 2006. I said let's leave, then I saw my counsiler with my brother fixing coffee. I gave him a hug so big and we left my school, my face black with my mascara running. That day I had a soccer game, I have never played so aggresive, kicked the ball so hard with such accurasy and I made a goal. My team gave me bears, flowers and cards and came to the funeral. My teachers worked with me, but not my English teacher. Sometimes I'd walk off campus to the pond and cry. I then ended up by start of second semester of junior year in 2 honors classes, an AP class, had a college certificate and was in another college class and becoming a Mayor's top 100 teen, as well id risin my gpa to a 3.785 But I had migraines daily that junior year. I wasn't playing soccer, I quit cross country, and didn't finish my final tryout day of swimming. My life, family, acadaemics and health was going out of control. No doctor believed the migraines kept me up for days, lasted for anywhere from 3 to 6 days.
I stopped going to the the 4 blocks, would catch up in my academics only to be behind. So by December of my senior year, I lost my C/Cpt. position, missed out on my 2nd year linkcrew leadership and had lost all friends and haven't gained them back. At this point, I've gone to 5 doctors- OBGYN, general practitioners, 3 neurologists. I never was able to fulfill my graduation requirements, because of my freshman year's .2 start, and am still trying to graduate.
At this point, I'm still suffering with 3-4 migraines per week. I have problems with my hormomal system, my neurologist is smart but doesn't know what to do with me, i'm on 24/7 pain patch and low mg. Oxycontin. At 18.

And yet, this is just the start of my 4.5 years in high school.