I feel alone.

Every April, I have always been depressed. The loss of my sister is the main cause; her birthday is April 1, and she died April 17. No matter what I do, I am never motivated, I don't care about anything, and I feel like no one understands how a loss this big can affect someone. I have people that I met at school, but I am not good at having friendships, and never have been. I have never had a serious relationship, and that makes me feel un-loveable. I know I am, but no one seems to want that. I want to meet other people my age that have suffered the loss of a sibling, but I feel like they, too, wouldn't understand and will be too grief stricken to help me deal with this. I don't like feeling like this.
When I meet a boy, I want to honor my religious beliefs and I know that makes men want to run. And fast. Because of never having a serious relationship, I don't think I'd know how to be in a relationship, and would ruin anything between us. I mean, if you can't really love yourself, how can someone else? I do want to "fall in love with me" but without the relationship experience (with friends, and men), I don't know if I am capable of it. I desire someone to care for me, even if it's just me. I am envious of people who have experienced love with others, and themselves. When you've been verbally, physically and sexually abused, love seems like a dream.

Regarding school, I feel like a failure and so I don't want to try. I love school, but I don't have any motivation or desire to go during April. This has happened since my sister died. I need to figure out why this happens! I think it's because I found out while in school, but that shouldn't effect me, should it?

Also, since I have re-established my relationship with God, I am happier. He has been there for me and has given me blessings, whether small or large. I want this relationship with him I just wish it was stronger. Maybe I am avoiding establishing one because of fear of losing, ruining or not living up to His expectations. When I am low, I want God to help me be my old self. I am so happy I have an amazing savior. He has truly transformed my life.

What I want for myself is to quit being so low about trivial things. If I don't go to school, I won't succeed and will go back to being a failure. I want to be content and happy with my life. I want someone to love and love me. I just need to recognize that if I don't try, I won't achieve any of these things.
Just today has been tough; I miss my sister so much. I miss my old life. I miss the motivation I used to have. I miss feeling wanted. I miss the fact I used to never get headaches.

Sorry about the depressing post. I just need to get it out. :\

It's been a year full of changes.

First of all, sorry for my absence. I was embarrased. But, in other news, I have since GRADUATED HIGHSCHOOL!!, started college and, have been mostly the same. (Minus being proud of myself :D)
Highschool would've been over with if my old school had sent over my transcripts, and that greatly gets me mad. I will walk, maybe?, May 24?
College is great, minus my Psych class. I don't like my teacher, and she is annoying. HAH! But I've been getting really good grades :]
I am so proud of my accomplishments, I never saw myself being where I am today.
My headaches are currently increasing, but what can one do?

All for now,
Christine.

If I'd known

Who I'd become because of my headaches, the loss of my sister and other events in my childhood I would have never asked to be alive. I would have tried harder to end things when I had the chance. I know that's selfish. But I am so lonely, I sit in my room for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I cannot live with texting and calling my friends without a response daily. It hurts. I am stronger than this. I can't change my past actions with my friends, but I am trying so damned hard to change the future. I don't even have stability at this point to see what can be since I feel better headache wise. I used to do things daily with my friends, now it's a gift from God that one even says a simple "hello."

I believe...

I will always be the nerdy kid who will always drop my books in a hallway. Like I did today in the library when there was a line...twice. Or in school too many times than I can count. I will always be the person who is going to be picked on for being too sensitive, or for standing up for not engaging in illegal activities (like smoking pot or taking shrooms ). For this, I get picked on and I get to spend less time with those so-called friends. I could care less that they smoke pot or take shrooms it's the fact that they look down on me and they peer pressure me and honestly laugh at me for not doing them and not agreeing with the fact that they are driving with pot in the car when either I'm driving or they are high and driving. Or they drive while tripping.
What are your thoughts, would you keep these friends? Would you give into the pressure?

Retail "therapy"?

Usually I love to shop, afterall, coming home with a cute new outfit will boost confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Walking into the store today, I was excited to find a new outfit for the summer. Then I noticed that every single person in the store was skinnier than myself. Everyone was prettier. This made the items I'd typically want to buy or wear so ugly. I was with my mamabear and that didn't help me feeling self-conscience at all. A couple of weeks ago, I would not have cared. In fact, I would have probably had less options because of sizes being too big. A couple of weeks ago I had lost weight. Now, I can tell you I've gained 8 pounds. I know that seems like no big deal. But for me, it goes straight to the back of my hips and makes me look pregnant. The places that make shirts and pants look like shit and not fit. So now I want to lose pounds to change that and look the way I'm supposed to and what I am used to seeing and what is my normal weight. I want to do this because one of my biggest fears is being overweight and at the store, having to get jeans that were 2 sizes too big, and in my eyes that is leaning towards being overweight. Now I am so anxious and I feel so self conscious and disgusting. And when my mom kept telling me "no you haven't gained weight," "you look fine," "if you don't get that I will be so mad" it made me feel so much worse about myself. I know I'm just being a stupid girl about this, but it's my fear.

Thanks, "Daddy..."

I guess yesterday was Father's day, and well, it SUCKED.
1. I woke up really early, planning on making him his favorite breakfast. His response- "I don't care." Meaning I was a worthless cook, he didn't want me to 'spoil him ( breakfast in bed- who'd ever turn that down. Seriously!!!?
2. I bought him a card and, a book I know he would love. His actions towards the book ( avid reader on board, btw), almost a fire due to ciggarettes and sleeping constantlyyyy, all throughout the day.
3. He asked my mamabear (WTF?!?!?!!) to read the damn card I had given to him...apparently I'm not worthy of this honor?!!?
4. He made smart-assed remarks to me all day long. Without fail. I.E you're too smart to be in a nightschool for highschoolers?,How are your scars? Oh... They haven't faded worth a god damned shit!, You'll never make it into the army, worhless Piece of Shit!, Why did you apply (p.s. I got ACCEPTED!!! :] ) to the firecamp- you'll never meet the expectations!!, I don't want to hangout with you nor your mother, you two take too long., he didn't want to spend time with me at ALL today, eventhough I have tried to build some relationship with him and I am his only daughter that is alive.

If he doesn't need me or my support, fine. After Saturday and Sunday I honestly do not care. One ioda.

This weekend will be uncomfortable...

It is Father's day and all my life I've felt like he has regretted August 16 and the 9 months before. He verbally abuses me and has never shown me discipline, or what I feel like was a true father daughter relationship after 1995 when a major event had happened in my life (I didn't realize at the time, but the years of 1995-1997 would be the one of the most life changing traumatic experience I would ever deal with). When we moved from Virginia to Colorado, something had changed in him and I would be his least favorite, the one who would be the object of his hurtful words and sometimes he would spank me for minor things like being scared because of thunderstorms. When we went through family counseling in 2005, I had told my family about the trauma...I was sexually abused and raped repeatedly by two twins who were our neighbors and when I needed my dad to be my protector and teacher of what to look for as far as what is okay and acceptable and what isn't, when I started to date, he wasn't there. When I wanted him to watch my championship soccer game, he would yell at me for asking and call me a fucking moron that I should know he doesn't care.

But now, he is trying to be a little part of my life. And I don't want him to be a damn part of it. If I get married, he won't walk me down the isle. I still have respect for him, and love for him but I dislike him with such a passion. So I'm not going to be a mean daughter and I got him a card and a book. The irony about the card is it says, "Dad, I can't remember a time WHEN I DIDN'T NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE A TIME WHEN I WON'T..."

I think I needed his love and support when I was a child and a young teen, and I won't need his support anymore. But I still hold out hope that he will actually teach me something that will be helpful and viable.