I feel alone.

Every April, I have always been depressed. The loss of my sister is the main cause; her birthday is April 1, and she died April 17. No matter what I do, I am never motivated, I don't care about anything, and I feel like no one understands how a loss this big can affect someone. I have people that I met at school, but I am not good at having friendships, and never have been. I have never had a serious relationship, and that makes me feel un-loveable. I know I am, but no one seems to want that. I want to meet other people my age that have suffered the loss of a sibling, but I feel like they, too, wouldn't understand and will be too grief stricken to help me deal with this. I don't like feeling like this.
When I meet a boy, I want to honor my religious beliefs and I know that makes men want to run. And fast. Because of never having a serious relationship, I don't think I'd know how to be in a relationship, and would ruin anything between us. I mean, if you can't really love yourself, how can someone else? I do want to "fall in love with me" but without the relationship experience (with friends, and men), I don't know if I am capable of it. I desire someone to care for me, even if it's just me. I am envious of people who have experienced love with others, and themselves. When you've been verbally, physically and sexually abused, love seems like a dream.

Regarding school, I feel like a failure and so I don't want to try. I love school, but I don't have any motivation or desire to go during April. This has happened since my sister died. I need to figure out why this happens! I think it's because I found out while in school, but that shouldn't effect me, should it?

Also, since I have re-established my relationship with God, I am happier. He has been there for me and has given me blessings, whether small or large. I want this relationship with him I just wish it was stronger. Maybe I am avoiding establishing one because of fear of losing, ruining or not living up to His expectations. When I am low, I want God to help me be my old self. I am so happy I have an amazing savior. He has truly transformed my life.

What I want for myself is to quit being so low about trivial things. If I don't go to school, I won't succeed and will go back to being a failure. I want to be content and happy with my life. I want someone to love and love me. I just need to recognize that if I don't try, I won't achieve any of these things.
Just today has been tough; I miss my sister so much. I miss my old life. I miss the motivation I used to have. I miss feeling wanted. I miss the fact I used to never get headaches.

Sorry about the depressing post. I just need to get it out. :\