Saturday, May 29, 2010

Who am I?

Well obviously, I'm Christine, but I feel as if I have lost myself. I used to have a strong sense of self, a good identity, but now that everything I've worked towards, everything I've ever dreamed of becomming is so far out of my grasp and it was what defined me. It made me who I was and now after reading more into it and seeing the qualifications and the dequalifications, although I had a small idea I wouldn't be accepted, I just want to disappear. I want to take a carton of ciggarettes, a dress suit and write a check out to myself and start out anew somewhere. Somewhere where I won't have to worry about my headaches holding me back from everything I've ever known, ever respected, ever looked up to, ever honored, ever truley wanted for my self and for my country. From holding me back from the only thing that has defined the basis of my moral compass. Everyone will tell me, try a different carreer, go to college first, you don't want to go to war, etc. But they don't know what I want for myself. I need to be with my brothers and sisters in arms, fighting for what I believe in. It's not a want. As far back as I can remember I have wanted to join the United States Army. And now, as usual, I've been shot far down from achieving my goals and this time it's out of my control. This time, I don't have the energy, or the desire to bounce back and say it'll be okay. Because no, it won't be okay. I've been waiting since age 4 to go in, decided after graduation I'd enlist but a) the headaches are on the nonadmissable to entry of the army medical standards and b) my neurologist repeatedly said he wouldn't write a waiver. I just want to disappear and never come back; there's nothing really left unless there is a cure, a miracle, or I lie which is against everything I stand for and they would find out.

Just let me disappear. Please.

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