This weekend will be uncomfortable...

It is Father's day and all my life I've felt like he has regretted August 16 and the 9 months before. He verbally abuses me and has never shown me discipline, or what I feel like was a true father daughter relationship after 1995 when a major event had happened in my life (I didn't realize at the time, but the years of 1995-1997 would be the one of the most life changing traumatic experience I would ever deal with). When we moved from Virginia to Colorado, something had changed in him and I would be his least favorite, the one who would be the object of his hurtful words and sometimes he would spank me for minor things like being scared because of thunderstorms. When we went through family counseling in 2005, I had told my family about the trauma...I was sexually abused and raped repeatedly by two twins who were our neighbors and when I needed my dad to be my protector and teacher of what to look for as far as what is okay and acceptable and what isn't, when I started to date, he wasn't there. When I wanted him to watch my championship soccer game, he would yell at me for asking and call me a fucking moron that I should know he doesn't care.

But now, he is trying to be a little part of my life. And I don't want him to be a damn part of it. If I get married, he won't walk me down the isle. I still have respect for him, and love for him but I dislike him with such a passion. So I'm not going to be a mean daughter and I got him a card and a book. The irony about the card is it says, "Dad, I can't remember a time WHEN I DIDN'T NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE A TIME WHEN I WON'T..."

I think I needed his love and support when I was a child and a young teen, and I won't need his support anymore. But I still hold out hope that he will actually teach me something that will be helpful and viable.