Who am I?

Well obviously, I'm Christine, but I feel as if I have lost myself. I used to have a strong sense of self, a good identity, but now that everything I've worked towards, everything I've ever dreamed of becomming is so far out of my grasp and it was what defined me. It made me who I was and now after reading more into it and seeing the qualifications and the dequalifications, although I had a small idea I wouldn't be accepted, I just want to disappear. I want to take a carton of ciggarettes, a dress suit and write a check out to myself and start out anew somewhere. Somewhere where I won't have to worry about my headaches holding me back from everything I've ever known, ever respected, ever looked up to, ever honored, ever truley wanted for my self and for my country. From holding me back from the only thing that has defined the basis of my moral compass. Everyone will tell me, try a different carreer, go to college first, you don't want to go to war, etc. But they don't know what I want for myself. I need to be with my brothers and sisters in arms, fighting for what I believe in. It's not a want. As far back as I can remember I have wanted to join the United States Army. And now, as usual, I've been shot far down from achieving my goals and this time it's out of my control. This time, I don't have the energy, or the desire to bounce back and say it'll be okay. Because no, it won't be okay. I've been waiting since age 4 to go in, decided after graduation I'd enlist but a) the headaches are on the nonadmissable to entry of the army medical standards and b) my neurologist repeatedly said he wouldn't write a waiver. I just want to disappear and never come back; there's nothing really left unless there is a cure, a miracle, or I lie which is against everything I stand for and they would find out.

Just let me disappear. Please.

It's the small things.

I finally feel "normal" in a sense. My head isn't hurting as bad, although the frequency is still the same. I could not be more pleased with these results. Eight weeks of going in every Thursday to get an injection of lidocaine and sometimes water-soluable steroids then going across the hall in a paper gown, feeling naked with other patients and me being the most modest girl ever, to have rough muscle reform and scar tissue break up makes it all worth it. Even though I do miss the hot chiropractor that got rid of the scar tissue and saw my bare back...
What makes it even more worth it is being able to have a social life and my brother and I are starting to have a relationship. It is a slow process because he talks to his stupid ex girlfriend and doesn't take my advice, and treats my mamabear like utter shit, but we have had major major problems since my sister passed away.

As well as a social life, I will have a working life. Unfortunately the Batista position didn't work out, but on Monday I will find out if I got a job at Bed, Bath & Beyond. I will be able to work on interior decorating, something I have always enjoyed but, the medical field is more for me although I will always love interior design.

I am so hopeful for the future for the first time in 2.9 years. Thank the Lord.
Good riddance!

It is final. It just hit me. *edit*

My sister is really never coming back. All I have is photos, and I need to share. I have to see what happened that day when we laid her to rest; I do not remember a single thing of the memorial. (We buried her 3 days after the funeral service). Drugs do kill, and when I gave the detectives who invesigated her death,since she was found in a suspicious location, the numbers of her dealers their names they didn't care. The narcotics unit didn't care. I called for months. I think dealing drugs is a form of involuntary manslaughter.
Below are photos of the burial, my family, the last living photos, the pastor, the headstone and the casket is locked at this point.




















































































*****THESE ARE THE LASt PICTURES, plus Laura is a hot babee*****

Looking forward, yet stuck at 11...?

Okay...Well maybe not eleven. But I'd HOPE my 1.5 readers [ ;) ] are mature and understand sarcasam by now and have read my sarcasam related, yet horrible written blog.
But this evening I applied to be a Batista at my hopeful IV coffee shop. Just make sure it's a triple Venti NO whip Cinnomen-oh, failed all the rediculous spelling bees, fyi :) - Dolce Latte, only from Starbucks. Yeah, applied at Starbucks. Mmmmmmmm. I'm frugal though, but I have learned my budgets! And!!! Anddd, I have a block in my brain on Thursday then I'm done. Bitter-no more mixed signals from the smart and funny and cuteish in a one day yes, other day get outta herrera!! SWEET!!!- no more needles popping scar tissue and walking around in the "outfit." and being bare-back, with aforementioned, but I'm over dr.ovaltine haha. also, no more god forsaken bedadine, with ultrasound gel to break up scar tissues and the "dog scratcher/ oldetyme murrda weapon." bahahahaha.
Then, once I came home, I talked to my really amazinggg friends who are out of state and they'll be back within weeks of eachother. Mmm party with some wine, sex and the city, a job and my 1.75th time (( yeah I'm Christine and get so bored with monotone instructers... :¥ ))

I WILL BE GETTING MY EMT-PARAMEDIC TO JOIN THE U.S ARMY!!!

- Posted using Excitement!!!
mcchristinerazy?

The nerdy one

That's how I have always been portrayed, "the nerdy kid." I am always at least 10 minutes early to any engagement. I over analyze every situation. I think 10 steps ahead. I always think of what could happen. I know random factoids. I'm the quiet, won't approach you except once in a blue moon and when I do, I get shot down. Because i'm shy, always wanting to get to the point, never wanting to get off focus people have always thought of me as a nerdy bitch. I guess in some cases you can consider me a nerd in that I love to learn. Gaining information without interruption is very important. But when I get called a bitch because I am shy is people's normal reaction but it is very hurtful. It's especially hurtful becuase people talk. And when they talk, word gets around that I'm apparently a bitch which in turn leaves me with close to no friends and no opportunity to make any becuase they don't want to give me the time of day. I haven't even been out with a boy in almost two years. It would be nice to be like those people who have someone wanting to hang out without me feeling like I'm being a burden all the time. I've failed at being a normal teenager.