Every April, I have always been depressed. The loss of my sister is the main cause; her birthday is April 1, and she died April 17. No matter what I do, I am never motivated, I don't care about anything, and I feel like no one understands how a loss this big can affect someone. I have people that I met at school, but I am not good at having friendships, and never have been. I have never had a serious relationship, and that makes me feel un-loveable. I know I am, but no one seems to want that. I want to meet other people my age that have suffered the loss of a sibling, but I feel like they, too, wouldn't understand and will be too grief stricken to help me deal with this. I don't like feeling like this.
When I meet a boy, I want to honor my religious beliefs and I know that makes men want to run. And fast. Because of never having a serious relationship, I don't think I'd know how to be in a relationship, and would ruin anything between us. I mean, if you can't really love yourself, how can someone else? I do want to "fall in love with me" but without the relationship experience (with friends, and men), I don't know if I am capable of it. I desire someone to care for me, even if it's just me. I am envious of people who have experienced love with others, and themselves. When you've been verbally, physically and sexually abused, love seems like a dream.
Regarding school, I feel like a failure and so I don't want to try. I love school, but I don't have any motivation or desire to go during April. This has happened since my sister died. I need to figure out why this happens! I think it's because I found out while in school, but that shouldn't effect me, should it?
Also, since I have re-established my relationship with God, I am happier. He has been there for me and has given me blessings, whether small or large. I want this relationship with him I just wish it was stronger. Maybe I am avoiding establishing one because of fear of losing, ruining or not living up to His expectations. When I am low, I want God to help me be my old self. I am so happy I have an amazing savior. He has truly transformed my life.
What I want for myself is to quit being so low about trivial things. If I don't go to school, I won't succeed and will go back to being a failure. I want to be content and happy with my life. I want someone to love and love me. I just need to recognize that if I don't try, I won't achieve any of these things.
Just today has been tough; I miss my sister so much. I miss my old life. I miss the motivation I used to have. I miss feeling wanted. I miss the fact I used to never get headaches.
Sorry about the depressing post. I just need to get it out. :\
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
It's been a year full of changes.
First of all, sorry for my absence. I was embarrased. But, in other news, I have since GRADUATED HIGHSCHOOL!!, started college and, have been mostly the same. (Minus being proud of myself :D)
Highschool would've been over with if my old school had sent over my transcripts, and that greatly gets me mad. I will walk, maybe?, May 24?
College is great, minus my Psych class. I don't like my teacher, and she is annoying. HAH! But I've been getting really good grades :]
I am so proud of my accomplishments, I never saw myself being where I am today.
My headaches are currently increasing, but what can one do?
All for now,
Christine.
Highschool would've been over with if my old school had sent over my transcripts, and that greatly gets me mad. I will walk, maybe?, May 24?
College is great, minus my Psych class. I don't like my teacher, and she is annoying. HAH! But I've been getting really good grades :]
I am so proud of my accomplishments, I never saw myself being where I am today.
My headaches are currently increasing, but what can one do?
All for now,
Christine.
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