If I'd known

Who I'd become because of my headaches, the loss of my sister and other events in my childhood I would have never asked to be alive. I would have tried harder to end things when I had the chance. I know that's selfish. But I am so lonely, I sit in my room for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I cannot live with texting and calling my friends without a response daily. It hurts. I am stronger than this. I can't change my past actions with my friends, but I am trying so damned hard to change the future. I don't even have stability at this point to see what can be since I feel better headache wise. I used to do things daily with my friends, now it's a gift from God that one even says a simple "hello."