Retail "therapy"?

Usually I love to shop, afterall, coming home with a cute new outfit will boost confidence and make you feel good about yourself. Walking into the store today, I was excited to find a new outfit for the summer. Then I noticed that every single person in the store was skinnier than myself. Everyone was prettier. This made the items I'd typically want to buy or wear so ugly. I was with my mamabear and that didn't help me feeling self-conscience at all. A couple of weeks ago, I would not have cared. In fact, I would have probably had less options because of sizes being too big. A couple of weeks ago I had lost weight. Now, I can tell you I've gained 8 pounds. I know that seems like no big deal. But for me, it goes straight to the back of my hips and makes me look pregnant. The places that make shirts and pants look like shit and not fit. So now I want to lose pounds to change that and look the way I'm supposed to and what I am used to seeing and what is my normal weight. I want to do this because one of my biggest fears is being overweight and at the store, having to get jeans that were 2 sizes too big, and in my eyes that is leaning towards being overweight. Now I am so anxious and I feel so self conscious and disgusting. And when my mom kept telling me "no you haven't gained weight," "you look fine," "if you don't get that I will be so mad" it made me feel so much worse about myself. I know I'm just being a stupid girl about this, but it's my fear.

Thanks, "Daddy..."

I guess yesterday was Father's day, and well, it SUCKED.
1. I woke up really early, planning on making him his favorite breakfast. His response- "I don't care." Meaning I was a worthless cook, he didn't want me to 'spoil him ( breakfast in bed- who'd ever turn that down. Seriously!!!?
2. I bought him a card and, a book I know he would love. His actions towards the book ( avid reader on board, btw), almost a fire due to ciggarettes and sleeping constantlyyyy, all throughout the day.
3. He asked my mamabear (WTF?!?!?!!) to read the damn card I had given to him...apparently I'm not worthy of this honor?!!?
4. He made smart-assed remarks to me all day long. Without fail. I.E you're too smart to be in a nightschool for highschoolers?,How are your scars? Oh... They haven't faded worth a god damned shit!, You'll never make it into the army, worhless Piece of Shit!, Why did you apply (p.s. I got ACCEPTED!!! :] ) to the firecamp- you'll never meet the expectations!!, I don't want to hangout with you nor your mother, you two take too long., he didn't want to spend time with me at ALL today, eventhough I have tried to build some relationship with him and I am his only daughter that is alive.

If he doesn't need me or my support, fine. After Saturday and Sunday I honestly do not care. One ioda.

This weekend will be uncomfortable...

It is Father's day and all my life I've felt like he has regretted August 16 and the 9 months before. He verbally abuses me and has never shown me discipline, or what I feel like was a true father daughter relationship after 1995 when a major event had happened in my life (I didn't realize at the time, but the years of 1995-1997 would be the one of the most life changing traumatic experience I would ever deal with). When we moved from Virginia to Colorado, something had changed in him and I would be his least favorite, the one who would be the object of his hurtful words and sometimes he would spank me for minor things like being scared because of thunderstorms. When we went through family counseling in 2005, I had told my family about the trauma...I was sexually abused and raped repeatedly by two twins who were our neighbors and when I needed my dad to be my protector and teacher of what to look for as far as what is okay and acceptable and what isn't, when I started to date, he wasn't there. When I wanted him to watch my championship soccer game, he would yell at me for asking and call me a fucking moron that I should know he doesn't care.

But now, he is trying to be a little part of my life. And I don't want him to be a damn part of it. If I get married, he won't walk me down the isle. I still have respect for him, and love for him but I dislike him with such a passion. So I'm not going to be a mean daughter and I got him a card and a book. The irony about the card is it says, "Dad, I can't remember a time WHEN I DIDN'T NEED YOUR LOVE AND SUPPORT, AND I CAN'T IMAGINE A TIME WHEN I WON'T..."

I think I needed his love and support when I was a child and a young teen, and I won't need his support anymore. But I still hold out hope that he will actually teach me something that will be helpful and viable.

Being isolated makes you think

My last post is an example of control, and a need for success. And, well when you don't have friends (I really have none...) wanting control and success is the only thing I have a vision, if you will, for reaching. But, the lack of support outside of my family, it doesn't allow you to have self-confidence.
That's why I stated, "I want to disappear." another reason I'd say is to create friends, eventhough I'm an introvert. I will always be analyzing myself to try to not create the same situation but the same outcome is repetative. Maybe it is people being judemental? Or people critizing my past, family included?but they are NOT WORTH IT!! In relation, I would NEVER!!!!, disappear. Promise.

I had thought about an ex-boyfriend, and had realized that since I still think of him constantly I probably will never get over of him. I know why, too... It is due to his respect of me-and the way he looked at me I knew it had meant more than a "summer-fling"- Things like jobs and distance, and him being my first relationship that I really truly cared about made me hurt. But, I've never been in a legitamate relationship.
I want him to think about me like I do him.