This week I reconciled with my best friend since second grade. We had a major falling out due to mistreatment on her part and on my part that started in eighth grade. I had made the choice to go to a different school than our home school for educational, personal and bullying reasons. When I told her this, she started to treat me bad and I treated her bad and our friendship fell and I broke apart the next school year and the cycle kept growing. Then december '09 came and I'd reached my last straw and told her to get out of my life. Then we reconciled in January. Then she mis-interpreted something I said and it was apparent that neither her nor I was ready to have our friendship back quiet yet. I found out my brother had been talking to her which I resent to this day because I am an adult & was going to reach out when I was ready, but I took the plunge and hung out with her. There's still the black elephant there. No it's not white because white elephants are beautiful and to me represent something that is good to be there, black ones are the topics and feelings you both know still hurt down to the last pinky toe's nail. I doubt we will ever be truly the same as we were before eighth grade. Before our friendship changed drastically. And tonight, that's what's killing me.
How do you reconcile differences?
How do you approach difficult situations?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thunder
I went everywhere and nowhere today. I got needles in my back and neck in 10 places then a chriopractor broke up scar tissue. At this point, with the amazingly handsome doctor, I look forward to these injections. ;). Next more medical shit. Blood. With the phlebotomist NOT WEARING GLOVES until I yelled "what are you doing, I don't want a disease!" I always worry about people not catching my sarcasm, especially because I sound and look so serious when I am performing sarcastically. It doesn't matter because I will be polite no matter what. Except when idiots crash into a backyard on a straight-away, with no intersections, and a median. Like what happened today on my trip from somewhere to everywhere which eventually took me nowhere that landed me here, typing aimlessly because I'm terribly afraid of thunderstorms and it's storming at 1:45 am. For the second time today.
I want a mini-horse.
Goodnight.
-- Post From My iPhone
I want a mini-horse.
Goodnight.
-- Post From My iPhone
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Somedays
I still don't know 100 percent what I want as a carreer. I bounce back and forth between a psychiatrist specializing in drug addiction. Or a pediatric oncologist. Then I see juistice not being done correctly and want to go into law inforcement, specifically the FBI's BAU. But I know for sure I want to be in the military. Then reality smacks me in the head, literally. I've been in the recruting office and I applied for an Army ROTC, Navy ROTC and Air Force ROTC scholarship and went through DoDMERB. They denied me because of my head, both the recruter and the medical evaluation board.
So, basically that dream is shot down.
Just.Like.Everything.I.Try.So.Hard.For.I.Never.Grasp.
So, basically that dream is shot down.
Just.Like.Everything.I.Try.So.Hard.For.I.Never.Grasp.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
The high school story.
I once was an A student, an officer in AFJROTC, and a mentor for freshman students as well as sophomores and juniors. Then November of 2008 came, and my life had turned into a drastic, inconceviable nightmare-slowly but surely.
It all came upon me slow. The migraines were every week, or every two weeks. Nothing excederine couldn't handle, maybe taking a mild barbituate if I couldn't take the pain. Then November turned to December. The migraines were coming on more frequent, about 3/week. I focused on JROTC, LinkCrew, and raising my gpa... The
Reason? My freshman year's first semester my mom developed Adult Respritory Distress Syndrom after a ruptured ulcer,the day I was due in court for a stupid mistake of underaged drinking, which left me distraught of my mom being so close to death, and I ended up with a .2 gpa. Through this ordeal, my sister was suffering with a disease herself, addiction to alcohol, cocain and heroin. My father, who was sober from alcohol himself for about 5.5 years started to drink because he knew of the mortality rate (10% typically survive,) and I didn't know what to do but give up. When my mother was out of the ICU, and home, my dad stopped drinking and it was a new semester, a fresh start. Plus I knew I couldn't play soccer unless I had the grades. I ended up getting all A's, playing soccer and building a relationship like I've never had with my sister or brother. We were the best of friends, especially Laura.
I remember the day. It was a day where I had reconciled conflicts, got good test grades and I was learning of how airplanes fly in JROTC. Then the secretary, principal and cop pulled me out, asked me to bring my things, and go to the office. My sister was due in court for a suspended liscence charge and jail time was iminent. The night before, I told her everything was going to be okay and I loved her so much. The team pulled me into the principals office. Every office member was in that room, the size of a jail cell. I saw my brother before I walked in, and then I saw my dad crying. He looks up and says, "Laura's gone they found her dead." I died that day, too. April 17, 2006. I said let's leave, then I saw my counsiler with my brother fixing coffee. I gave him a hug so big and we left my school, my face black with my mascara running. That day I had a soccer game, I have never played so aggresive, kicked the ball so hard with such accurasy and I made a goal. My team gave me bears, flowers and cards and came to the funeral. My teachers worked with me, but not my English teacher. Sometimes I'd walk off campus to the pond and cry. I then ended up by start of second semester of junior year in 2 honors classes, an AP class, had a college certificate and was in another college class and becoming a Mayor's top 100 teen, as well id risin my gpa to a 3.785 But I had migraines daily that junior year. I wasn't playing soccer, I quit cross country, and didn't finish my final tryout day of swimming. My life, family, acadaemics and health was going out of control. No doctor believed the migraines kept me up for days, lasted for anywhere from 3 to 6 days.
I stopped going to the the 4 blocks, would catch up in my academics only to be behind. So by December of my senior year, I lost my C/Cpt. position, missed out on my 2nd year linkcrew leadership and had lost all friends and haven't gained them back. At this point, I've gone to 5 doctors- OBGYN, general practitioners, 3 neurologists. I never was able to fulfill my graduation requirements, because of my freshman year's .2 start, and am still trying to graduate.
At this point, I'm still suffering with 3-4 migraines per week. I have problems with my hormomal system, my neurologist is smart but doesn't know what to do with me, i'm on 24/7 pain patch and low mg. Oxycontin. At 18.
And yet, this is just the start of my 4.5 years in high school.
It all came upon me slow. The migraines were every week, or every two weeks. Nothing excederine couldn't handle, maybe taking a mild barbituate if I couldn't take the pain. Then November turned to December. The migraines were coming on more frequent, about 3/week. I focused on JROTC, LinkCrew, and raising my gpa... The
Reason? My freshman year's first semester my mom developed Adult Respritory Distress Syndrom after a ruptured ulcer,the day I was due in court for a stupid mistake of underaged drinking, which left me distraught of my mom being so close to death, and I ended up with a .2 gpa. Through this ordeal, my sister was suffering with a disease herself, addiction to alcohol, cocain and heroin. My father, who was sober from alcohol himself for about 5.5 years started to drink because he knew of the mortality rate (10% typically survive,) and I didn't know what to do but give up. When my mother was out of the ICU, and home, my dad stopped drinking and it was a new semester, a fresh start. Plus I knew I couldn't play soccer unless I had the grades. I ended up getting all A's, playing soccer and building a relationship like I've never had with my sister or brother. We were the best of friends, especially Laura.
I remember the day. It was a day where I had reconciled conflicts, got good test grades and I was learning of how airplanes fly in JROTC. Then the secretary, principal and cop pulled me out, asked me to bring my things, and go to the office. My sister was due in court for a suspended liscence charge and jail time was iminent. The night before, I told her everything was going to be okay and I loved her so much. The team pulled me into the principals office. Every office member was in that room, the size of a jail cell. I saw my brother before I walked in, and then I saw my dad crying. He looks up and says, "Laura's gone they found her dead." I died that day, too. April 17, 2006. I said let's leave, then I saw my counsiler with my brother fixing coffee. I gave him a hug so big and we left my school, my face black with my mascara running. That day I had a soccer game, I have never played so aggresive, kicked the ball so hard with such accurasy and I made a goal. My team gave me bears, flowers and cards and came to the funeral. My teachers worked with me, but not my English teacher. Sometimes I'd walk off campus to the pond and cry. I then ended up by start of second semester of junior year in 2 honors classes, an AP class, had a college certificate and was in another college class and becoming a Mayor's top 100 teen, as well id risin my gpa to a 3.785 But I had migraines daily that junior year. I wasn't playing soccer, I quit cross country, and didn't finish my final tryout day of swimming. My life, family, acadaemics and health was going out of control. No doctor believed the migraines kept me up for days, lasted for anywhere from 3 to 6 days.
I stopped going to the the 4 blocks, would catch up in my academics only to be behind. So by December of my senior year, I lost my C/Cpt. position, missed out on my 2nd year linkcrew leadership and had lost all friends and haven't gained them back. At this point, I've gone to 5 doctors- OBGYN, general practitioners, 3 neurologists. I never was able to fulfill my graduation requirements, because of my freshman year's .2 start, and am still trying to graduate.
At this point, I'm still suffering with 3-4 migraines per week. I have problems with my hormomal system, my neurologist is smart but doesn't know what to do with me, i'm on 24/7 pain patch and low mg. Oxycontin. At 18.
And yet, this is just the start of my 4.5 years in high school.
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