If I'd known

Who I'd become because of my headaches, the loss of my sister and other events in my childhood I would have never asked to be alive. I would have tried harder to end things when I had the chance. I know that's selfish. But I am so lonely, I sit in my room for 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I cannot live with texting and calling my friends without a response daily. It hurts. I am stronger than this. I can't change my past actions with my friends, but I am trying so damned hard to change the future. I don't even have stability at this point to see what can be since I feel better headache wise. I used to do things daily with my friends, now it's a gift from God that one even says a simple "hello."

I believe...

I will always be the nerdy kid who will always drop my books in a hallway. Like I did today in the library when there was a line...twice. Or in school too many times than I can count. I will always be the person who is going to be picked on for being too sensitive, or for standing up for not engaging in illegal activities (like smoking pot or taking shrooms ). For this, I get picked on and I get to spend less time with those so-called friends. I could care less that they smoke pot or take shrooms it's the fact that they look down on me and they peer pressure me and honestly laugh at me for not doing them and not agreeing with the fact that they are driving with pot in the car when either I'm driving or they are high and driving. Or they drive while tripping.
What are your thoughts, would you keep these friends? Would you give into the pressure?